Australia is suffering, we are told, from a strange malady known as Dutch disease. What do we know about this mysterious condition? A few things, it turns out. The favourite colour of the Dutch is orange, which, by an eerie coincidence, happens to be exactly the same colour as the prison uniforms in the United States. This is deeply significant. Unfortunately no one knows exactly why.

The Dutch had the East India Company, which, despite being British, was called the Dutch East India Company. The reason for this is also unknown because there has not yet been a documentary about it on the History Channel.

It is a well-established fact that the Dutch have no sense of humour and like to argue amongst themselves, especially when playing in the national soccer team. When asked why this is so, the Dutch reply that it is only to be expected in a country that is mostly below sea level. 

The Dutch are famous for having Dutch courage, which involves consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. By this measure, Australians are also exceptionally courageous. Which is exactly what is required when dealing with Dutch disease.

Here are some pretty diseased words.

Delta Goodrem. A neo-liberal philosopher who believes that economic health is maximised by individual effort without the assistance of the state. Her manifesto “Born to Try” is widely believed to be her economic masterpiece. It includes lines like:

“But you gotta make choices,

Beyond the rights,

Sometimes you gotta sacrifice

The things you like

But I was born to try.”

Brings tears to your eyes, that does. What a star!

Belching In Public Week. Last week was Social Inclusion Week. But what about the poor, downtrodden belchers of the world? This is discrimination. Something must be done, and now.

Interest rates. Obviously the only thing of interest to anyone with a mortgage.

Queue-jumpers.  Australians, I am proud to say, have the deepest respect for queues of all types, lengths and sizes. If anyone comes to this country by jumping the queue the only thing to do is thump them, lock them up, throw away the key and thump them again. To make sure. Nothing is so sacred as a queue. Nothing.